A Bout of Self-Analysis.
The following is a bit of a departure from my usual, somewhat serious blogging, but I’ve been told to make Camera Obscura a bit more personal. Not sure whether this is exactly what they had in mind.
It’s a Friday evening and I’ll soon to be going out to get as drunk as a skunk. The difference from any other Friday is that this Friday marks the end of my first term at Cardiff Journalism School. When I rightfully should be in bed or drinking or combining the two, I find myself in front of my laptop. What the hell has this course done to me?
Well, it occured to me on the cycle home that, since getting here, I have had to re-calibrate who I am, or at least who I think I am.
I’d like to say that Cardiff has provided me with an insatiable appetite for hard-work. It hasn’t really. I’m not a perfectionist, I haven’t got much of an eye for detail, I am highly talented in denial, procrastination, over-indulgence and unrelenting laziness. I can stick my head in the sand with my ass stuck in the air for all to see.
My attention span is roughly as long as my ability to say no to another pint, the ‘do the limit’ mentality that has seen me through my academic career is still very much evident and, despite the feeling that I let myself down a lot, I’m mercifully willing to consistently accept half.
I find it easy to justify my own actions, irregardless of what those actions may be.
When I don’t see the use in doing something, or find something boring, I generally just won’t do it.
If it hasn’t occured to you from reading this, I possess an ego. I’m narcissistic, self-absorbed and pretentious.
They are my weaknesses.
The gap between who I want to be and who I am never seems to widen or narrow. I never feel I’ve got a grip on a subject or can talk about something with a sense of authority. This is both a strength and weakness.
I find it difficult to conform and I hate feeling like I’m jumping through hoops. This is both a strength and a weakness.
I possess an ego. I am narcisstic, self-absorbed and pretentious and I have no difficulty with that. I’m unapologetically who I am. This is a strength and a weakness.
Cardiff has coincided with my first prolonged period of singledom since I was about 17 after coming out of a relationship before I got here. Although I have maybe spent a little bit too much time lying in bed listening to Hurt in Your Heart by John Martyn, I’ve come through with a comfortableness in my own skin. This is a strength.
I now don’t feel I need to be continually reassured. This is a strength.
Simple things have the ability to make me happy. This is a strength.
I’ve continued down a deceptively difficult path with many mistakes and missteps along the way and now I can confidently say, I can make a mean bowl of pasta.
I’m a better footballer than I thought, although I still do a passable impression of a dyslexic Yak on rollerskates.
My Hamsters are still alive, despite being in my soul care since I got here.
When someone or something means something to me, they really mean something to me and when I do care about something, I will really work hard at it.
I can read others well, I tend to know when they need help, and I can provide it.
I have the ability to seek out and form close and trusting relationships with fascinating, strong, funny and warm people. If I’m referring to you (and I hope you know if I am) then thank you.
And, thanks to a certain lovable Scowser with an inferior leather jacket, I have learnt that this is the best piece of live music ever recorded:
That’s right John, keep on lovin’.
Ok, nuf sed. Hunger to communicate bout of intense self-analysis now sated. Time for shower, glad-rags and hedonism.
If I missed anything please comment below or, alternatively, just take me down a peg or two. On re-reading this, I probably need it.
I should probably add, for employers’ sake, I have a reasonably good understanding of libel and defamatory law, I’m getting better at structuring a news-article, I know how to conduct a press conference, and I can turn a phrase. Shame about the shorthand.
And just ignore all the negative stuff, I was delirious.